Saturday, September 10, 2011

Not Quite There Yet

I sent my baby across the country where I can hardly have contact with him. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, BUT I DID IT and I didn't die from it---yet. I was handling it pretty well, I thought, but things are heaping up on my feelings faster than I can process them and now I'm not so sure I'm handling them at all.

It started with Thursday night. We came home from TN and Manti wasn't there to check on the animals and do his nightly chores. That wasn't too terrible, and believe it or not, I didn't cry when I saw his jacket still on the back of the dining room chair. When I went to my bedroom and found a precious letter on my pillow from him, that DID warrant tears, so I shed a few, but I was smiling while I did it. I needed that tenderness from him.

I thought I was ready to go on to work and handle the stuff that comes in there. Well...I wasn't mentally or emotionally prepared for the man who came in with HIV and felt the need to offer me condoms and education on his personal condition. I didn't know what to do but listen and try not to look horrified. I felt exhausted and had a toothache, so I took something for it and went to bed early. That should be a good thing, right? It was...I slept till 7am! Got up for work, and before I could get out of my car, my phone was ringing. I started to ignore it, and I still don't know why I answered it, but it was the little girl Manti had gotten pretty fond of ... and she wanted MY advice. Me, of all people,... she wants my advice on dealing with her loneliness now that he's gone. She clearly doesn't know me. She took the advice I gave very graciously and I have to admit I was pretty impressed with her manner. I was more impressed with myself and having words to offer her!

A few hours later, I'm pining for my boy and fighting the urge to cry. I looked up a song Mesa had me listen to and posted the youtube of it onto facebook. Next thing I know, Mesa is telling me to go check my email. Sure enough, there is an email from Manti! MY FIRST ONE! I started crying before I even opened it. The letter was nice, it warmed my heart, but it had an impersonal and rushed feel to it that made me ache for more. It was sent to me and Tommy both, not either of us individually. I feel like a rat for feeling disappointed it wasn't just for me. Still, it was a letter and that alone was priceless, so I printed it and hugged it and cried like a baby.

Anyway, the day progresses and this man comes in asking for a product that helps cover up the use of drugs in a drug test. It could be used to clean up and quit, but this particular one, almost nobody uses it that way. So he asks for it, I show it to him, and he has this older guy start writing a check. Store rules are that I can't accept a check for detox products. Simple as that, so I told him so. He thought that was "jacked up" and left to go get some cash. I said ok, and felt like they really would be back, so I went ahead and wrote up a ticket and got it all ready for them. Shortly after, the younger of the two came back in for the bottle with cash in hand and wanted to know how did I come up with $1.60 for tax on $22.95.........I did it on my adding machine again to show him that's what comes up when you multiply $22.95 x 7% and add them together. He handed me the cash and I made change. As I was handing him the change back, I dropped a dime on the counter. I was moving a little quick because my emotions were still a bit churned up from crying over Manti's email. I told the man I was sorry I'd dropped the dime and reached to pick it up and hand it to him. He grabbed it instead and said "don't worry about it, I can read your body language. Would you hand my bottle of Stat and I'll get out of here." So I handed him the bottle, a bit confused, and then I reached for a sack and his receipt. He said he didn't want them and walked out of the store. As he was going through the door, he says "Wow, you're pompous!"


Am I?
What did I do that seemed pompous?
How in the world did I convey that right that moment?
Am I really?

So now I'm a bit worked up, because I don't know if I'm really portraying myself (or think of myself) as "self-important" or not. I don't know!! Was I coming across as trying not to touch that man? I don't like to touch a LOT of people,...just ask my kids! It's got nothing to do with my own self-importance. It's just unnerving to me to be touched all the time, and if you're a stranger, it's even MORE unnerving to me. But I don't intentionally hold things out by the tips of my fingers to keep myself from brushing against someone. Is that why he thought I was that way? Because I dropped a dime? Or because I was shaking a little from crying earlier? Or is he really that big a &$%#!? I'm sure his conscience is as dirty as his urine and bloodstream, but is that enough to encourage such things?

And then I sit back down at the computer and see that Tommy has posted a note that Manti has emailed, and he says "this" and "that" and "something else".....and those things aren't in my letter that was sent to both me and Tommy. I know this is childish and jealousy and it's all garbage I need to get rid of,.....but did Tommy get a special note in his email and not me? Did he email Mesa and she read her letter to him and that's how he knows this? I'm praying its the second one and not the first. My feelings are so raw and feel so trampled on already that even something stupid as this burns a little more. It also makes me look at myself and say "holy crap your pompous person! Do you think you have to be more important to him than the rest of your family?".....I don't mean to, but maybe they think I do?

Makes me not want to go home from work today.

1 comment:

  1. There is nothing about you that is either "holier than thou" or pompous, so don't let some dishonest druggie make you feel bad about yourself. The timing of everything is what left your emotions raw. Don't read more into the email stuff than is there. Most of his letters will come to you because you will be the faithful one who writes to him. And remember, missionaries are asked, "Have you written to your MOTHER lately?" Written letters will mean more to him and to you than emails because he will go back and read them over and over. Hang in there. Things will get better with time.