I'm not wanting to air out any dirty laundry, but I do need to get some "laundry" in the hamper and out of my head.
My mother in law was with a man a few years ago. They claimed they were married, but there is no evidence anywhere that we can find to prove it and a lot of things that make it appear they didn't wed. Anyway, they were both older and needed a companion more than a spouse, so that's likely all they were. He had his house, she had hers. Hers was in the same yard as mine, so we saw a lot of them. One day 11 years ago, something happened....he hurt me in a unique way. Physical wounds are long in the past, but emotional wounds just aren't healed the way I thought they were. My sharing this here is my effort to spit out some of that bile that I'm strangling on so it won't weigh ME down so much.
So what happened back then is over and I truly don't want to repeat all those details right now. My mother-in-law believed me and it put quite a wall up between the two of them. A couple months later, my mother-in-law died. At the funeral, I tried to heal some more by telling him I was sorry for the bad feelings that had developed because of that experience. He told me HE FORGAVE ME! I went to pieces all over again.
Like I said, it's been 11 years since that happened. I've put it behind me. He has passed away and to my knowledge, nobody interrupted his path to wherever it was he chose to spend his eternity. I've moved on.......but then yesterday happened.
Yesterday, my last customer of the day came in at 4:45pm. The shop closes at 5pm. The man asked his questions and chose what he wanted to purchase. He wanted to write a check, and that was fine with me. I felt VERY dis-inclined to give him a senior citizen discount that I will automatically give to most people who are anywhere near that stage of their life in my view. He paid full price. As he wrote his check, my heart started speeding up...and he started talking non-stop. I couldn't see the name on his check, but I had a sinking feeling I knew who this man was. He kept talking and it took the entire 15 minutes for him to write that check out! I watched for his signature to tell me I was wrong about who he was,....and finally I saw it. I was right. It was the son of that horrible man. He wreaked of the vilest brand of cigarettes. He walked hunched. His hair was wild. He kept looking at me in the eyes like he was implanting his words in my head. He talked about his father and how wonderful life was when the man was around......I fought nausea and nearly threw up before he left. Jared was there with me and he got real pushy and sold the man one of his camp cards....to which I thought to myself "GOOD FOR YOU!"
When he finally left, my knees buckled. I called Tommy and told him and he didn't know what to say. I hung up and got started counting down my drawer,...only I couldn't think straight. I started to shake and to sweat. I felt like a tornado was starting up inside me and it swirled around and around feeling more and more violent each moment that past. I finished up and then sat down at the desk to log out of my time schedule and fell apart. I cried and cried and cried. My poor little boys stood there next to me trying to figure out what to do. Both put an arm around me and leaned their heads on my shoulders while telling me it would be ok. I had no idea how I was going to drive us home.
It was a terribly long night last night. I finally had to ask Tommy for a blessing. He gave me one of the most fantastic blessings I've ever had. I was so stunned by the things he said....and so appreciative. You can email me to ask about it if you want to know.
I'm ok now, but so tired and so emotionally drained. My thoughts are exhausted and I feel like I ran for my life yesterday, complete with tired leg muscles and aching feet. I know I'm ok, and I know I'm not over it. I guess trauma is one of those things you never get over, you just find a place in your mind to stash it so it doesn't stare at you every time you open your eyes. It let's you not have to constantly face it and try to undo it if you just deal with it in small pieces every once in a while.
All in all, I can say I know things about myself I never knew before. I know things about my boys I never knew before. I know things about my husband I was unsure of before. And I know things about God I never fully accepted before now. Life is so much more than face value.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Saturday, March 22, 2014
The Silence in My Mind
We have 2 vehicles. One of them has suffered a malfunction and is quietly sitting at my house waiting for attention. One day it will get it. The other is my Durango, so that means we have to plan ahead for travel needs each day.
Manti works at Target. I work at Robins Herb Shop. They are maybe half a mile apart. Manti has to be at work at 7:30am. I have to be at work by 9am. On days we both work, he drives me to work and drops me off and then goes on to his job. I go inside, find a comforter we keep at the shop, recline my chair and lock it in place, prop my feet up on the other chair (shoes off of course), set my phone alarm to go off at 8:35am and I go to sleep!
At least, I try.
Today was tough. My mind had too much to say. I've had to force words out of my head before, and it was hard. I'm not successful for long periods of time,...so this was a challenge. Today, it sounded something like this:
"Shhh....stop talking. You can do this. Hush........ Seriously, hush. ..... You're worse than the kids, just be quiet and stop telling yourself to be quiet. Listen to the birds. Birds...haha...Thunderbirds? What's another bird car,... umm... ok I don't know and I shouldn't be thinking this. SHHH!"
A bird chirps.
"BIRD! Oh,... shhh...right....shhh"
"hmmm hmm hmm.... Marianna HUSH! Humming is no different than talking! Shh!"
"car.. car...car...SHH! Two birds....SH! ---------------- ----------------
------------- ---------------------- look how long I could be quiet for! HA! oops...."
A bird chirps. Another bird chirps. I might make it. The 2 birds must be talking.
"What time is it? WHAT? It's only been 5 minutes? *sigh* GO TO SLEEP MARIANNA!"
traffic noises, 2 birds continue,....
"hmm... argh! no singing!..........................ok, I'm doing it............that hang nail is really kind of sore...wish I wasn't thinking about it! shhhhhh shhhhhhh shhhhhh wonder if I can shush myself to sleep.....shhhhhh shhhhhhh shhhhhhhhh Whoever invented the shush anyway? That's not exactly a calming sound. In fact, if you hear it enough it will drive insane. I WOULD KNOW! ............
.................... ........................ ........................ ......................... .......................... hmm SHHH......
............................. hmmmm hmm..................... ...........................Wonder if SHHH............... ......
......................... ...................... ...................... ten minutes, keep it up................... .......................
..................... I'm so awesome....and that was a failure, so no I'm not SH! ....................... ...........
................... ............................ ............................ .......................................... so sleepy..................
............................. .............................. ..............................and SHHH!................ shhh.................
................................its working!............................ shhhhhhhhhhhhh shhhhhhhhhhhhhhsshhhh....
15 minutes.... shhh, quit looking at the clock! shhhhhhhhhhhhhh shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh shhhhh
............... .............................."
FINALLY! I fell asleep.
And at 8:35am, my phone alarm went off. It startled me so much that I jumped and slapped at it. I nailed it perfectly, hitting the snooze button evidently. I was back out before I could even think to shush myself. At 8:40am, my phone alarm went off again. This time I came around enough to think about picking it up and shutting off the alarm correctly. I looked at the clock and though "I have enough time to fix a bowl of grits, brush my teeth and get the drawer ready for a business day."
And that was last thought before 9am when someone emailed me and made my phone chirp an alert sound. I nearly fell out of the chair with instant realization I was asleep and it was time to BE OPEN!
No worries, I opened the shop first and THEN I ate my breakfast and brushed my teeth.
My biggest question right this minute is..... did I get this from my mother or my father? Surely I inherited the incessant chatter in my head!
Manti works at Target. I work at Robins Herb Shop. They are maybe half a mile apart. Manti has to be at work at 7:30am. I have to be at work by 9am. On days we both work, he drives me to work and drops me off and then goes on to his job. I go inside, find a comforter we keep at the shop, recline my chair and lock it in place, prop my feet up on the other chair (shoes off of course), set my phone alarm to go off at 8:35am and I go to sleep!
At least, I try.
Today was tough. My mind had too much to say. I've had to force words out of my head before, and it was hard. I'm not successful for long periods of time,...so this was a challenge. Today, it sounded something like this:
"Shhh....stop talking. You can do this. Hush........ Seriously, hush. ..... You're worse than the kids, just be quiet and stop telling yourself to be quiet. Listen to the birds. Birds...haha...Thunderbirds? What's another bird car,... umm... ok I don't know and I shouldn't be thinking this. SHHH!"
A bird chirps.
"BIRD! Oh,... shhh...right....shhh"
"hmmm hmm hmm.... Marianna HUSH! Humming is no different than talking! Shh!"
"car.. car...car...SHH! Two birds....SH! ---------------- ----------------
------------- ---------------------- look how long I could be quiet for! HA! oops...."
A bird chirps. Another bird chirps. I might make it. The 2 birds must be talking.
"What time is it? WHAT? It's only been 5 minutes? *sigh* GO TO SLEEP MARIANNA!"
traffic noises, 2 birds continue,....
"hmm... argh! no singing!..........................ok, I'm doing it............that hang nail is really kind of sore...wish I wasn't thinking about it! shhhhhh shhhhhhh shhhhhh wonder if I can shush myself to sleep.....shhhhhh shhhhhhh shhhhhhhhh Whoever invented the shush anyway? That's not exactly a calming sound. In fact, if you hear it enough it will drive insane. I WOULD KNOW! ............
.................... ........................ ........................ ......................... .......................... hmm SHHH......
............................. hmmmm hmm..................... ...........................Wonder if SHHH............... ......
......................... ...................... ...................... ten minutes, keep it up................... .......................
..................... I'm so awesome....and that was a failure, so no I'm not SH! ....................... ...........
................... ............................ ............................ .......................................... so sleepy..................
............................. .............................. ..............................and SHHH!................ shhh.................
................................its working!............................ shhhhhhhhhhhhh shhhhhhhhhhhhhhsshhhh....
15 minutes.... shhh, quit looking at the clock! shhhhhhhhhhhhhh shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh shhhhh
............... .............................."
FINALLY! I fell asleep.
And at 8:35am, my phone alarm went off. It startled me so much that I jumped and slapped at it. I nailed it perfectly, hitting the snooze button evidently. I was back out before I could even think to shush myself. At 8:40am, my phone alarm went off again. This time I came around enough to think about picking it up and shutting off the alarm correctly. I looked at the clock and though "I have enough time to fix a bowl of grits, brush my teeth and get the drawer ready for a business day."
And that was last thought before 9am when someone emailed me and made my phone chirp an alert sound. I nearly fell out of the chair with instant realization I was asleep and it was time to BE OPEN!
No worries, I opened the shop first and THEN I ate my breakfast and brushed my teeth.
My biggest question right this minute is..... did I get this from my mother or my father? Surely I inherited the incessant chatter in my head!
Friday, March 7, 2014
Camp Card and Little Scouts
I now have 1 cub scout and 1 boy scout. Summertime is approaching, and THAT means summer camp is coming too. I've been quite content with taking my boys to cub scout day camp and participating as one of the volunteer leaders. I've done it for 5 years now (6 if you count that year Manti got to go)....but this year is different. This year, Morgan gets to go to BOY SCOUT camp, and that's very different.
First difference,...I can't go :(
Second difference,...that trip is a full week of overnight with way more people I don't know and only a few that I do know or that know him.
Third difference, ... that trip is in north Georgia.
Fourth difference, .... it costs $305 for him to go PLUS he has to have some specific equipment.
*GASP*
Jared's camp will cost $55 and I can handle that ok. It's the big number for Morgan that is taking my breath away. If I could go too, that would be SO much easier on my heart, but....
I did get Manti to agree to volunteer as a leader, but leaders have to pay $120 or something like that also. It covers their meals and a few other supplies. Manti refuses to pay for it (and I wouldn't ask him to) but says if his cost is covered by the ward budget, he'll go. I was told the budget will cover one adult and they planned on giving it to someone else already. (That someone else just volunteered a few hours before Manti.)
So I'm back to gasping and fretting.
The pack committee chairperson is one of my best friends. She looks out for me :) She got us permission to sell "camp cards" and the proceeds from it get put towards the cost of whatever scouting needs the boys have. So if they sell more than they need, the remainder of their personal proceeds can be applied to uniforms or books or other scouting gear they need. And these cards give them back 50% of whatever sales they make. Sounds good so far, right?
These little cards cost $5. That's it! Takes a lot of $5 bills to earn up enough to pay for camp, and remember they only get to keep half of that. So it's a bit of a work-out to say the least. The boys talked to my boss last week and got her permission to set up a table inside the shop and sell their cards from there. Yesterday and today, they did it. We put a table out next to the register counter. They wore their uniforms and set up their little card folders and we made 2 pages to go on the table as explanations if people wanted to read them. The boys set out one card each and they sat at the table ALL DAY LONG. They have their sales pitch and they've sold a few cards. Not quite enough to make much of a dent yet, but they are working on it. Out of 40 cards, they only have 23 left. That's not adequate in their thinking, so they are taking another tactic. They wanted to make a commercial that I could put on facebook for my friends and our neighbors to see. So we did it. It is so funny I can't stop laughing. And you should see the out-takes! They are hysterical, but I haven't tried uploading them. They should probably be pieced together into one video by someone who knows how to do that. They are truly funny though, I promise! In one of them, Jared introduces himself as Morgan LOL!
Anyway, I had to put this on my blog so my Mama can see it, so everybody enjoy my little entrepreneurs!
And if you want a camp card, let me know! (Actually I think you can use Dicks Sporting Goods anywhere there is a store, and Publix coupon is good anywhere in Georgia, Alabama and Tennessee. Don't know about the rest.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FQhCtyup2k&feature=youtu.be
First difference,...I can't go :(
Second difference,...that trip is a full week of overnight with way more people I don't know and only a few that I do know or that know him.
Third difference, ... that trip is in north Georgia.
Fourth difference, .... it costs $305 for him to go PLUS he has to have some specific equipment.
*GASP*
Jared's camp will cost $55 and I can handle that ok. It's the big number for Morgan that is taking my breath away. If I could go too, that would be SO much easier on my heart, but....
I did get Manti to agree to volunteer as a leader, but leaders have to pay $120 or something like that also. It covers their meals and a few other supplies. Manti refuses to pay for it (and I wouldn't ask him to) but says if his cost is covered by the ward budget, he'll go. I was told the budget will cover one adult and they planned on giving it to someone else already. (That someone else just volunteered a few hours before Manti.)
So I'm back to gasping and fretting.
The pack committee chairperson is one of my best friends. She looks out for me :) She got us permission to sell "camp cards" and the proceeds from it get put towards the cost of whatever scouting needs the boys have. So if they sell more than they need, the remainder of their personal proceeds can be applied to uniforms or books or other scouting gear they need. And these cards give them back 50% of whatever sales they make. Sounds good so far, right?
These little cards cost $5. That's it! Takes a lot of $5 bills to earn up enough to pay for camp, and remember they only get to keep half of that. So it's a bit of a work-out to say the least. The boys talked to my boss last week and got her permission to set up a table inside the shop and sell their cards from there. Yesterday and today, they did it. We put a table out next to the register counter. They wore their uniforms and set up their little card folders and we made 2 pages to go on the table as explanations if people wanted to read them. The boys set out one card each and they sat at the table ALL DAY LONG. They have their sales pitch and they've sold a few cards. Not quite enough to make much of a dent yet, but they are working on it. Out of 40 cards, they only have 23 left. That's not adequate in their thinking, so they are taking another tactic. They wanted to make a commercial that I could put on facebook for my friends and our neighbors to see. So we did it. It is so funny I can't stop laughing. And you should see the out-takes! They are hysterical, but I haven't tried uploading them. They should probably be pieced together into one video by someone who knows how to do that. They are truly funny though, I promise! In one of them, Jared introduces himself as Morgan LOL!
Anyway, I had to put this on my blog so my Mama can see it, so everybody enjoy my little entrepreneurs!
And if you want a camp card, let me know! (Actually I think you can use Dicks Sporting Goods anywhere there is a store, and Publix coupon is good anywhere in Georgia, Alabama and Tennessee. Don't know about the rest.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FQhCtyup2k&feature=youtu.be
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