Sunday, March 23, 2014

Doing Some Laundry

I'm not wanting to air out any dirty laundry, but I do need to get some "laundry" in the hamper and out of my head.

My mother in law was with a man a few years ago. They claimed they were married, but there is no evidence anywhere that we can find to prove it and a lot of things that make it appear they didn't wed. Anyway, they were both older and needed a companion more than a spouse, so that's likely all they were. He had his house, she had hers. Hers was in the same yard as mine, so we saw a lot of them. One day 11 years ago, something happened....he hurt me in a unique way. Physical wounds are long in the past, but emotional wounds just aren't healed the way I thought they were. My sharing this here is my effort to spit out some of that bile that I'm strangling on so it won't weigh ME down so much.

So what happened back then is over and I truly don't want to repeat all those details right now. My mother-in-law believed me and it put quite a wall up between the two of them. A couple months later, my mother-in-law died. At the funeral, I tried to heal some more by telling him I was sorry for the bad feelings that had developed because of that experience. He told me HE FORGAVE ME! I went to pieces all over again.

Like I said, it's been 11 years since that happened. I've put it behind me. He has passed away and to my knowledge, nobody interrupted his path to wherever it was he chose to spend his eternity. I've moved on.......but then yesterday happened.

Yesterday, my last customer of the day came in at 4:45pm. The shop closes at 5pm. The man asked his questions and chose what he wanted to purchase. He wanted to write a check, and that was fine with me. I felt VERY dis-inclined to give him a senior citizen discount that I will automatically give to most people who are anywhere near that stage of their life in my view. He paid full price. As he wrote his check, my heart started speeding up...and he started talking non-stop. I couldn't see the name on his check, but I had a sinking feeling I knew who this man was. He kept talking and it took the entire 15 minutes for him to write that check out! I watched for his signature to tell me I was wrong about who he was,....and finally I saw it. I was right. It was the son of that horrible man. He wreaked of the vilest brand of cigarettes. He walked hunched. His hair was wild. He kept looking at me in the eyes like he was implanting his words in my head. He talked about his father and how wonderful life was when the man was around......I fought nausea and nearly threw up before he left. Jared was there with me and he got real pushy and sold the man one of his camp which I thought to myself "GOOD FOR YOU!"

When he finally left, my knees buckled. I called Tommy and told him and he didn't know what to say. I hung up and got started counting down my drawer,...only I couldn't think straight. I started to shake and to sweat. I felt like a tornado was starting up inside me and it swirled around and around feeling more and more violent each moment that past. I finished up and then sat down at the desk to log out of my time schedule and fell apart. I cried and cried and cried. My poor little boys stood there next to me trying to figure out what to do. Both put an arm around me and leaned their heads on my shoulders while telling me it would be ok. I had no idea how I was going to drive us home.

It was a terribly long night last night. I finally had to ask Tommy for a blessing. He gave me one of the most fantastic blessings I've ever had. I was so stunned by the things he said....and so appreciative. You can email me to ask about it if you want to know.

I'm ok now, but so tired and so emotionally drained. My thoughts are exhausted and I feel like I ran for my life yesterday, complete with tired leg muscles and aching feet. I know I'm ok, and I know I'm not over it. I guess trauma is one of those things you never get over, you just find a place in your mind to stash it so it doesn't stare at you every time you open your eyes. It let's you not have to constantly face it and try to undo it if you just deal with it in small pieces every once in a while.

All in all, I can say I know things about myself I never knew before. I know things about my boys I never knew before. I know things about my husband I was unsure of before. And I know things about God I never fully accepted before now. Life is so much more than face value.

No comments:

Post a Comment