Friday, June 10, 2011

Personal Growth

There are very few people who pay this blog any attention. The only ones I KNOW are regulars are my family members, with a couple exceptions :) So you family folks may find this interesting to read, whereas those who don't know me as well may feel the need to skip this post. Whatever.

I guess I've looked at my life as if I were facing a monkey, know the kind that gets a kick out of flinging poop at you. I don't know how I've always been right there in front of that dumb monkey, but I always have been. At least, that's how I've felt. I've known I had talents (such as stepping to the side of the line of fire when the monkey gets armed), but they just weren't impressive enough to be worth much, and thus I get splattered in some way. Again, this is just how I'VE felt.

Recently, I've had some help re-evaluating my personal opinions and looking at that monkey from a different angle. I've realized a few things I haven't realized before, and it seems to have made life not such a terrible thing anymore. Such as....

  • not ALL the things that happen to my loved ones are my fault! Seriously! Not all of them! I'm still struggling to accept that more fully, but I can pick out a few things and say "I'm not the only force in nature, and that means there are OTHER causes to problems." It's good to know that I'm so powerful that I can control all things.
  • I'm not so unusual! I made a statement the other night, that I had come to decide every single family in the world had SOME level of dysfunction about them. Some might have heavier stuff than others, but even those "perfect families" have problems of some kind. Turns out, the medical community agrees with me, and tells me its far more true than I ever want to know. It's a relief to be able to stop comparing my downfalls to your perfections :)
  • Facebook is a Barbie Doll! This one is huge to me. I had not realized that when I am looking at the fun stuff you all say on Facebook, that I'm seeing the wonderful things you WANT me to see and you are holding back the worst of things. I'm doing the same thing, but I'm doing it because I don't want you to know how far down the abyss I am..... oh, but you're doing that too? hmmm.... :) We're mutually misleading I guess!
  • It's not just facebook... people are doing it at church and at work and everywhere else! I think the only ones not pretending they are normal are the ones we all wish would start pretending or just plain go away.
  • My personality is a perfect match for my husbands personality. Never have I doubted he was "the one"...never. I have wondered though if he ever got sick of me and just stayed with me just because hunting for someone else to share his life with was too much hassle. I'm not easy to live with, I know this. I have a very "forward" personality. I will muscle through when I feel the need. I will pursue an issue until it is fixed or gets taken from my reach...and if its taken from me, I will stew over it and let it fester till it makes me sick. Tommy, on the other hand will retreat more often than not. We are opposites in our approaches. That's good and bad, but as far as a relationship goes, it works because each fill in where the other needs us to. When I am relentless, he is gentle and tolerant.
None of this means my broken self is "healed" of what ails me. It just means I'm learning to sidestep to make that stupid monkey miss me once in a while. I can't do it often, but I can do it occasionally-- and that's so much better than never being able to do it. I'm so glad I can look backwards and see self-improvement in my personal view of myself!

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